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Nicholas Kouvatsos

Janitor

Nick is an Aquarius, and enjoys long walks in the restroom.

Nicholas Kouvatsos took the title of Applications Manager after his twin brother Joseph was killed by an assassin. He and his brother were very close even though they never agreed on anything. Joseph left behind his only daughter who is also in the fleet.

Nick has a slight muscular build, a hooked bill and a clean coat of feathers that he cleans twice a day. He is a highly experienced and dedicated officer.

Known as "Naked Nick" he is respected by all, all but the people who work with him. The crews that work with him call him "Beak-faced Butt Head" because sometimes he can be a little too sarcastic. There are some redeeming sides about Nick...though very few, there are some. Nick has a love for music, especially anything involving the Spanish Guitar, which he has. He won't tell you that he has one or even that he knows of Spain or Spanish music.

Recently Nick became interested in experiencing altered mental states and picked up a methamphetamine habit. In a delusional move, he left eLYK to write on real estate “For Sale” signs with magic markers. I think he just likes the smell of the ink. Occasionally he stops by our office at night to clean up a digital mess or two.

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Shawn Retzer

Director of Client Services

Age: 31
Height: 5'10"
Marital Status: Enslaved

Shawn's first love in life, besides pork tenderloin, pizza and beer, is dance. Although he is passionate about his art, Shawn has and continues to fail at his one true love. Having flunked out of every dance studio he was given the chance to attend, Shawn decided that he would become President of the United States. After not winning the 2000 and 2004 elections, in which he only received 2 write in votes, himself and a guy he paid $5 to, he finally decided to become a web designer figuring that "If that moron Nick can do it, so can I".

Returning from his studies at the 'International World Academy of Sometimes Smart People to Maybe Learn Useful Things from That May Land you a Job in the Real World' he was quickly hired into eLYK innovation, inc., a world renowned Internet Strategy company in Jacksonville, Florida, and also known for its crepes, where he has blended seamlessly into the background.

Using overblown phrases like "You betcha Boss" and "I bet I can do it!" Shawn has made people think he knows what he is doing, when in all actuality the person really doing his work is a magical ghost named "Reggie" from the world of "Dank".

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Brandon Sevestre

Creative Director

Brandon was born in a Kansas snowstorm.  His parents were Yankees but the witness protection program relocated them to the middle of nowhere.  Once the dust cleared, Brandon’s father moved to Jacksonville, FL to start a new life as an assassin.  He trained young Brandon as a ninja and they became hired killers. 

During a freak accident Brandon lost both his legs, and they were replaced with robot counterparts.  He was forced to leave his father’s side as a ninja.  Fascinated with the technical workings of his robot legs, Brandon discovered a passion for all things electronic.  He especially loved Power Wheels, although never owned one.

One day during a serious malfunction of his left robot leg, he experienced severe head trauma and his brain was replaced with an Atari 2600 motherboard.  He amused his friends for hours as they would play Pitfall by plugging in controllers to ports inside his ears and viewing the LCD screen that was flush mounted to his chest.  For the time, he had an amazing battery life of 5 hours.

Brandon upgraded the Atari brain to a Windows Pentium III and endured repeated frozen operations (often at embarrassing times) and had to reboot on a regular basis.  Since then he upgraded to MacPro.  The new setup has never frozen or needed a reboot and Brandon enjoys longer battery life, laughs hysterically inside every time he hears the word “Vista”, and no longer views the world in two dimensions.

His favorite color is Clear, and his favorite sound is Silence.

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Chris Edwards

Project Manager

Chris's parents were experimental farmers from Florida who one day decided to 'grow' a child for themselves. Developing a unique serum and seed they planted 'Chris Embryo Seed 45790ATM' into the Floridian swampland to nurture and grow into the boy they always wanted. For months Chris was watered and fed with nutrients. On a brisk December morning Chris bloomed from a tiny bud on a 5 ft tall stem. His parents, overwhelmed with joy, plucked him and inserted him into their farmer lifestyle.

Growing up as a farmer, Chris developed a desire to become the first Horticulturist to develop seeds that could grow on TV and be harvested by anyone who tuned into his Plant Channel. Taking this idea to Hollywood and then New York, Chris found this venture to be very hard and wrought with danger. He battled daily with verbal hardships about how his ideas were dumb and became very depressed. Months and months Chris stayed in a depression, until one day he freaked out, drove to Iowa and shot a telemarketer.

Imprisoned for murder, Chris decided to give up his dream of Plant TV and started collecting bugs. Voted in as Rec. Center President, Chris gained valuable playing time and became a master ping-pong player and champion of the universe cell block A. Life was good for Chris and after posting a stellar attitude and work record at the prison, he was released.

Chris, and his 'Girlfriend' Tank, now live in a small duplex and work together baking pies for local carnivals and fairs.

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Pete (aka Badassasaurus)

Systems Engineer

Loves: Tacos and Grilled meats
Marital Status: Divorced
Favorite Quote: There are 3 types of people in this world; those who can count and those who can't.

The father of 3 lovely children, Macon, Bacon, and Earl, Pete is a dedicated member of the eLYK innovation team. Hard work and meticulous moisturizing has excelled Pete to the rank of Systems Engineer. This actually means that he sits in a hot room with servers all day and if something goes wrong he pulls out his cellphone to call Microsoft, and a wrench to start beating the equipment.

In his down time Pete enjoys long division, Sudoku, remote control cars, singing in his band "Big Bang", watching re-runs of "Charles in Charge' and "The Facts of Life" (he has a crush on Tudy), long walks on the beach and reading poetry to Sasha, a mail order girlfriend.

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Joe Lemire

Co-Founder and Chief Innovator

From the darkness a mighty screamed rang out(AAAHHHHHHH!!). A projectile hits the wall ( THUD!!) and slides down towards the floor (EEERRRPPP). A bloody mucus covered man child has just been born.

Tired of school Joe began to roam about the United States (STROLL, STROLL) and by age 8 became a stuntman for silent movies. Known throughout Hollywood as "The boy who could crash without making a sound" he quickly found himself thrown into the fast paced life of international intrigue and espionage. (DU, DUH, DUUHHH) Taken under the wing of the notoriously clever (E=mc2) international spy Edward "Quicktime" Macaroni, Joe was schooled in the art of spying. (SHHHHH....) A deadly shot (BANG) from over 8,000 yards and the ability to seamlessly blend into a surrounding he was never actually in, Joe was viciously recruited to join the International Spy Organization the Hated People just for the sake of Hating People. 2 Days away from his initiation, Joe had a change of heart (LUB-DUB, LUB-DUB) and decided to venture out again into the world away from violence.

10 years later, on a pro-life hunting expedition near the shores of Africa, Joe encountered the screams (AAAAHHHH!!) of a troubled women in distress. Climbing and rescuing the young maiden, named Kelli, Joe was love struck and quickly realized that he wanted to marry her.

After a 32-hour courtship that involved beer (PFFTST!...GLUG, GLUG, GLUG), bananas, thorny vines (OUCH), and a case of hockey pucks, they were married, had a company, and founded a son who they named after the company.

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Kyle Lemire

Company Namesake and aspiring Web Architect

Being named after a company can be an overwhelming responsibility. Kyle, however, remains unaffected.

Hours after being conceived, Kyle experienced a hyper-accelerated growth period and became a fully developed child. Not having to actually take any real time to transition from zygote to fetus, Kyle became bored in the womb. Magically, he received a guitar in utero and began playing. During childbirth Kyle played an amazing rendition of Jimi Hendrix's "Are you experienced?" which received a round of applause from the labor room staff.

He created audible gold when he played. Writing songs about curdled milk, slap bracelets, and G.I Joe action figures, Kyle's musical subjects had no boundaries. His favorite subject, his pet dog Lucy, was the inspirational name for his rock band..."Rhymes with Stupid."

Playing local gigs in Jacksonville, Florida Kyle caught a break when a talent scout attended an 'open mic' night at Freebird Live. Fortunately Kyle got an offer on the spot; signing a recording contract with "Up the Volume Records." Rhymes with Stupid now opens for the Rolling Stones as they tour the world. Loved by millions of teen girls with sweaty pits, and recently voted best smelling guy ever, Kyle enjoys traveling all over the globe. The band frequently sells out arena sized venues as Kyle exerts enthusiastic performances, playing every show like it was his first. Kyle's fan base continues to grow...(That's what she said.)

Outside of music Kyle enjoys playing video games, thumb exercises, and having his hands manicured at the local "Nails So Happy" Salon. What will Kyle do next? Become president of eLYK? Doubt it. Chicks don't dig on geeks.

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Kelli Lemire (aka Queen of the Universe)

Co-founder
Director, Client Services

Found in the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet belonging to Lord Francis Abwuah, Kelli lived under the title of “Lost and Found.” She survived off of unclaimed Butterfingers and SweetTarts until her 16th birthday when she was claimed by a gypsy who lost her some fifteen years earlier at the opera.

Kelli was an outcast for the remainder of her teen years because she could only befriend hats and mittens and harmonicas that slipped out of the pockets of exotic French jazz musicians. At the age of eighteen, tired of translating her mother’s gypsy garage band’s music into American Sign Language, Kelli and her best friend Pedro, an umbrella with mittens stapled to the sides, hopped on a rowboat and ventured to the jungles of Africa. Fine-tuning and practicing her spoken English with sisters from traveling missionaries, Kelli would bridge the language gap between coastal fishing villages and pygmy head hunters.

One day, Kelli was kidnapped and held captive by a renegade pygmy head hunting tribe. By chance, a pro-life hunters expedition was passing nearby and heard the cries of Kelli coming from the distance. A young hero named Joe Lemire was captivated by her beauty as she dangled in a tree cage screaming for help. Having taken climbing lessons from an Egyptian monkey king, Joe quickly climbed and rescued the young Kelli.

After a 32-hour courtship that involved beer, bananas, thorny vines, and a case of hockey pucks, they were married, had a company, and founded a son who they named after the company.

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Andreas "Doug Funnie" Lekas
(aka "Quailman")

Web Applications

An average kid on the surface, Doug, err Andreas… has an above-average imagination (He talks to his dog. No I mean it, like whole conversations). Formerly of the town Bloatsburg, Andreas moved to Bluffington where he spent most of his childhood. It was here that he developed an uncoordinated obsession with local coy hottie Patti Mayonnaise. His endeavors with Patti were complicated with the addition of local bully, Roger, err Chris... who took any chance to antagonize the quirky young kid.

Providing some much needed solace was Andreas’ new buddy Skeeter. Just about as awkward as Andreas yet of a different flavor, the two joined forces in daydreaming reality departures. Writing in his journal became another escape for Andreas where he would sort out some of life’s more difficult choices. That, and listening to his favorite band, the Beets.

Emerging from the imaginative land of his wandering mind came a new alter ego superhero named "Quailman". Surprisingly Quailman looked a bit more awkward visually than standard issue Andreas; he sports whitie-tighties over his khaki shorts and wears a sort of crown on his head fashioned out of an oddly erect leather belt. Don’t forget the giant "Q" adorning his chest and his flowing red towel. I mean, "cape." Quailman comes to the rescue whenever Andreas needs help with tough decisions and circumstances. No stranger to embarrassment, humiliation, or feeling out of place, somehow Andreas always manages to land on his feet.

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Mike Richards

Web Architect
Height: Mini

Mike was found in a house that crash landed in Jacksonville, Florida 3 years ago. Apparently there was a tornado that uprooted the house from its foundation and sent it flying wildly through the sky. Mike was the only survivor out of his family. Further review of the crash scene revealed ruby red shoes and a certificate from a rogue group only known as "The Lollipop Guild".

Mike has a strong homely smell and a dedication to repairing row boats. These, however, are talents that will only take a man so far in this world. So, after much debate, Mike decided to give design a shot. He was always given support from his friends at the dock. Mike was not about to let the guys down. So with his departing gift basket of salmon and candy corn, Mike studied design and computers and applied at eLYK innovation, inc.

Mike was hired in May under the following conditions:

1. No Breakdancing (Unless during work hours)
2. Sandwiches for lunch can be no taller than himself
3. Feet must be washed 3 times a day
4. No singing songs, especially ones titled "Munchkin Land"
5. All injuries will be logged under the title "Dumb Ideas"

If any of the conditons are not met, Mike will be set on fire and then let go.

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Noob Saibot

Wraith

Noob Saibot didn’t exactly start life as a normal human being. Was he born? NO. He emerged… From the darkest region of reality - a region known as the Netherealm. (I always thought it was called "Hell", but once he drop kicked me… I changed my mind). Noob belongs to a group called the Brothers of the Shadow, a sort of fraternity for death ninjas. Ok maybe you shouldn’t call it that, you might suffer a Head Rip Fatality. Anyway, they worship an evil and mysterious fallen Elder God. Nobody knows what that means, but it’s provocative. His mission is to spy on the events taking place in the battle between the realms and report back to his enigmatic leaders, or whatever.